The One that Got Away
by Fightingwithmyself
Summary: It's the one year anniversary of Kurt's death.  How has Blaine been handling the sharp pain of losing the love of his life?  Warning: May Trigger.


**Hey guys! So if you're reading this you probably know that this is the first fanfiction I have ever published. I'm so glad you're reading this. I really hope you like it. It's obviously very angsty! Enjoy.**

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><p>Blaine giggled lightly as he kissed Kurt's neck. He moved slowly leaving a trail of kisses down towards the other boy's naked chest. "Mmm…" Kurt moaned. "I love you so much Blaine." Blaine smiled warmly "I love you too." He gently kissed that sensitive spot on Kurt's lower neck, right near his shoulder, receiving a low moan from the pale boy. "I always will Kurt, always."<p>

Suddenly, everything went black. Blaine was no longer on top of Kurt. His lips were no longer pressed against soft, beautiful skin. Kurt had vanished. Blaine was alone in what used to be their bed. He realized it had just been a dream. But of course, he had already known that.

He knew that Kurt was gone and there was nothing he could do about it. Kurt had died a year ago. A year ago today. Blaine opened his eyes and just laid there looking up at the blank white walls of the bedroom. After Kurt's death he had taken down anything that reminded him of the boy. Pictures. Posters. Everything. But, it didn't matter because even the plain, white walls of their New York apartment reminded him of Kurt's soft, porcelain skin. The place even smelled like Kurt. He would have moved if he could get enough money together. Or maybe he wouldn't move, because he could never leave the little part of Kurt that was still in the apartment. He didn't know.

The only thing he was sure about anymore was that he was never going to get over Kurt, ever. Not when he saw the boy every single night in his dreams. Kurt was the first thing on his mind in the mornings and the last thing he thought of at night. He had plans to marry that man. He was going to spend the rest of his life with that beautiful person. But any hopes or dreams for the future were gone now. They would never happen because Kurt was never coming back.

The only moments Blaine could have with Kurt now were in his dreams. Sometimes he dreamed of the accident. He could remember every single second of that day. It haunted him so much that it was almost unbearable. It was all his fault. The whole thing could have been prevented. He hated himself for letting Kurt die. Every time he thought about it his pain and self-hatred became more and more intense. When the events of that horrible day were replayed over and over in his mind, it was like pouring salt into his wounds. But the thoughts kept coming. He couldn't stop them.

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><p>"Blaine I'm done talking about this. I'm not cheating on you. I don't care about anyone but you. It doesn't make sense why you would think I'd even want anyone else. Honey, your being irrational." Kurt chuckled. They were in the kitchen, Blaine sitting at the table and Kurt putting away groceries.<p>

Blaine was pissed. He was not having any of it. "Irrational?" He nearly screamed, banging his fist on the table. "Kurt, it's not irrational for me to be mad when I see you kissing another guy!" Now Kurt was getting angry. He turned around to face Blaine. "I kissed him lightly on the cheek, Blaine. The Cheek! He's a part of the cast. We were just having coffee and I kissed him on the cheek because he's my friend. That's it, just my friend! Why the hell is it such a big deal?" Blaine was extremely angry and Kurt just didn't understand. He didn't want Kurt kissing any other guy. He didn't care if that was an irrational request or not. He didn't want it to happen.

"Kurt, it is a big deal. You can't just kiss some random guy like that!" This sent Kurt over the edge. He stopped what he was doing and leaned on the table in front of Blaine. "First of all he is not just some random guy. He is my friend! And since when are you going to tell me what I can and can't do? This is a relationship of equals, Blaine. You can't just tell me not to do something. You're not my father!"

Blaine was beyond angry. He was done with this conversation. "Whatever Kurt you're right, we are done talking about this. I'm sick of hearing your excuses. You obviously don't care about me that much, if you're going to kiss another guy. How about you go find some other guys to kiss huh? Just to see how mad it makes me. I know you love it when I'm angry." And with that he got up and left the kitchen. He walked into the bathroom, slamming the door shut.

Kurt couldn't believe what he just heard. Did Blaine really think he was some manipulating bitch? That he went around kissing guys to make him jealous? His eyes started tearing up. "Fine Blaine," He yelled so that Blaine could hear him through the door. "If that's what you really think of me then…then fine. I don't fucking care. I'm leaving." With red, wet eyes Kurt grabbed his keys and jacket, running out the door of their apartment as fast as he could.

Blaine heard the door slam but didn't go after Kurt. He needed to relax. He turned the shower on, slowly got undressed, and got in. The steaming water made him calm. He thought about Kurt. He thought about why he was mad. He didn't like seeing Kurt kiss someone else, even if it was just on the cheek. But it wasn't really that big of a deal. That guy really was just Kurt's friend and Kurt was very loving to the people he cared about. Blaine decided that he just needed to calm down and talk to Kurt, without yelling.

He got out of the shower and dried off. He put on a pair of Kurt's pajama pants and his own t shirt. Just as he was reaching for his phone in his jean's pocket, it rang. Blaine looked at the caller ID. He didn't recognize the number. He answered it. "Hello?"

"Hi, is this Mr. Blaine Anderson?" an unfamiliar female voice asked. "Umm, yes this is him. Who is this?" Blaine answered slightly worried. "Hi Blaine, this is Dr. Riley at Lexon Hill Hospital and we have your um, friend Kurt here. He was in a pretty bad accident. He gave me your number and told me to call before he was rushed off to surgery. He's not doing too well."

Blaine was completely caught off guard. He couldn't breathe properly and he was lightheaded. It felt like someone just punched him in the stomach and knocked the wind out of him. The words he was hearing didn't make any sense, and for a few moments he was silent. But then reality hit, hard. _Oh my god, Kurt_! He thought, unable to even talk. He panicked and he couldn't form coherent sentences.

"Mr. Anderson are you still there?" Dr. Riley's voice brought him back to reality. "W-What happened? Is he going to live? Oh God I should have gone after him!" Blaine yelled into the phone, his voice shaking as he started crying in sheer panic. "Mr. Anderson, I…I don't know if he is going to live. He was hurt pretty badly in the car accident. He has a fractured spine and three broken ribs and he's bleeding internally. We don't know for sure yet but there may be possible brain damage."

Blaine was already rushing out the door of the apartment, keys in hand. "Oh my God. I c-can't believe this is happening. Is…is he conscious?" He was crying and his heart was beating harder than ever before. Blaine was scared. Very scared. He had never been this scared in his entire life. He couldn't lose Kurt. It just couldn't happen. Not now, not ever.

"Well, he was conscious when they brought him in, but I'm not sure if he still is. Dr. John Brown is operating on him to try and stop the bleeding." Blaine got into his car and started it, not even bothering to put his seatbelt on. "I'm coming there to s-see him. I'll be there as…as soon as I can. P-Please tell me I can at least see him. Please." Blaine's voice was shaking uncontrollably and he couldn't stop crying. He just couldn't believe any of this was happening.

Dr. Riley responded in a warm calming voice. "I'll make it so you can. I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to let non-family members in to see patients, but I can see how much Kurt means to you. I'll get you in there to see him, don't worry." "Oh God thank you so much. You d-don't know h-how much that means." Blaine was grateful for Dr. Riley.

"Just get here as soon as you can, and when you do ask for Dr. Deborah Riley. I'll get you in too see Kurt." "Ok-kay, thank you. I'll be there soon." And with that Blaine hung up the phone. He was trying his best to get through the horrible traffic to get to the hospital. He was still extremely scared. His breathing was completely out of control and he was almost sobbing. He just couldn't lose the love of his life. That type of stuff didn't happen to people like him, _right_?

He got to the hospital in 20 minutes praying that Kurt was still okay. He parked the car in the first spot available and rushed into the hospital. He had calmed down enough and had stopped crying, but his eyes were still red and his breathing was still rough. He relaxed himself enough to talk to the receptionist. "Hi, um my name is Blaine Anderson. Dr. Deborah Riley told me to ask for her." The receptionist gave him a dirty look and rolled her eyes. She paged Dr. Riley and told Blaine to have a seat and that she would be here shortly.

Blaine sat down, his heart still beating wildly in his chest. Horrible thoughts were racing through his mind. _What if Kurt was in a coma_? _What if Kurt could never walk again_? _What if he was already dead_? No, Blaine couldn't believe that Kurt was gone. _Kurt could never leave him_.

Soon a woman with a short brown bob and warm brown eyes came to meet Blaine. "Hi Blaine, I'm Dr. Riley. Nice to meet you." She put out her hand to Blaine who stood up immediately and shook it. "Hi, yes is Kurt okay?" He asked right away, praying for the best. "Well, I um… Blaine, I don't know how to say this…" Dr. Riley looked very sad. She truly felt sorry for Blaine. She could sense that he wasn't just Kurt's friend.

Blaine's eyes started watering again. He was so scared that he was trembling. He could barely speak. "Just… Oh God, j-just say it." Blaine whispered, closing his eyes. He knew the answer wasn't going to be good. He just hoped Kurt was still alive. He stayed silent, eyes closed, praying that Kurt was okay while he waited for the answer.

"The doctors tried all they could. They really did…" Blaine let out a small sob. He couldn't be hearing this. This wasn't happening. "Kurt's just barely holding on. There's really nothing more they can do to help him."

Blaine was numb. He couldn't feel anything. The only thing he could do was cry. There was no emotion attached. He held strongly onto Doctor Riley's hand. "I need to see him. I at least need to say goodbye. Please." Blaine's voice was just above a whisper. "Okay let's go. I'll take you to him." Dr. Riley led Blaine to the elevator. She pushed a button and they waited. The elevator opened shortly after and they stepped in.

"Blaine can I ask you a question?" Blaine simply nodded, his eyes never changing from a lost blank stare. "You and Kurt… you're more than just friends, aren't you?" Blaine didn't even have to answer. He gave the woman's hand a tight squeeze and she knew. This made her feel even sorrier for Blaine. She couldn't imagine what it was like to lose the person you love.

They got to Kurt's floor and the door opened. They stepped into the hallway and Dr. Riley led Blaine to Kurt's room. Thankfully there was no one else in there. Blaine could say his goodbye in peace. She left the two boys alone. Blaine looked at Kurt. He had bloody bandages all over his body and he looked to be in so much pain. Blaine couldn't stand the sight. He kneeled down beside Kurt's bed, taking hold of the boy's unhealthily pale hand.

He was crying freely now, sobbing quietly. "K-Kurt…" He said in a shaky broken voice. "Please, Kurt. You c-can't leave m-me. Oh God please don't leave me." Kurt opened his eyes and responded in a scratchy voice. "Blaine, listen to me. I love you. I will always love you, no matter what." Blaine held onto Kurt's hand tighter. "I l-love you too K-Kurt, always." Kurt smiled weakly his eyes glistening. "I love you more than anyone. You were my first love and you were my last love. I've never loved anyone else as much as I love you. Just remember that Blaine. And I know that I have very little time left…" Blaine let out a sob and Kurt squeezed his hand tightly.

"But you have to be strong. I know how hard this is. I lost my mother remember? I stayed strong and you can too. Tell my dad, Carole, and Finn that I love them. I-I…" Kurt coughed. "I have to…. g-go now Blaine. I love you." Kurt started coughing uncontrollably. Blaine ran to the door and yelled for a doctor. Soon the room was flooded with nurses and doctors yelling things and frantically trying to stabilize Kurt.

Blaine tried to get closer to him but the doctors pulled him away. When he tried to fight they pushed him out of the room and shut the door. He could hear people yelling and he just couldn't handle it. He fell to the ground and buried his face into his arms. He sobbed. He had never cried this much in his life. He was scared and sad and panicked and everything was just too overwhelming.

He was losing Kurt. This was really happening. For the first time he realized that he would never get to hear Kurt's angelic voice again. He would never again get to wake up next to that beautiful boy's smiling face. These thoughts made him cry even harder. The sobs racked his entire body.

Then he heard it. The eerie drawn out "beep" that meant Kurt was gone. He got up and rushed into the door only to see Kurt's cold, lifeless body. He pushed through the doctors and took Kurt's hand in his. It was different from any of the other times he had held that boy's hand. This time it was nothing but cold. There was no warmth or life in the hand like there used to be. It was dead. Kurt was dead. Kurt was gone forever.

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><p>That's where Blaine's mind usually stopped only to start from the beginning again and play over and over.<p>

He had had to call Burt, Carole, and Finn to give them the news. They were completely shocked and devastated. Burt had taken it especially hard. The funeral had been horrible. Everyone was crying except for Blaine. He didn't say a word the whole time. He just sat there with a cold blank stare. Burt had wanted Kurt to be buried in New York. He knew that's what Kurt would have wanted. Blaine had never seen Burt cry until the day that he buried his son. It was a horrible feeling to lose someone you loved.

Blaine sat up in bed and rubbed his eyes. He looked at the clock which read 7:40 AM. He had to be to work in 20 minutes but he didn't care. He wasn't going to work today; he was going to see Kurt. Blaine didn't bother changing out of his pajamas. He simply slipped on a coat and his slippers and walked out the door of the apartment. He didn't bother taking his car. He walked through the cold December weather, through the crowded streets of Manhattan.

It was a long cold walk but he didn't mind. He stopped at a store to buy flowers. When Blaine finally reached the cemetery he was shivering. The sky was gray and light snow had begun to fall. It was the first snow of the season. Blaine found Kurt's grave. He had visited him many times before. He talked to Kurt as if he were really there with him. As if he could actually hear him.

"_He can't hear you idiot. He can't hear you because he's dead. He's dead because you let him die. Stop trying to talk to him. It's not like he's going to answer_"_._ The voice inside his head would taunt Blaine. It reminded him that Kurt really was gone even though he liked to pretend that he wasn't.

"Hi, Kurt. I uh brought you these." He laid the flowers down neatly near the headstone that read _Kurt Hummel 1993-2018 Loving son, brother, boyfriend, and friend._ Blaine died a little inside every time he read it. It shouldn't have said _2018_. Kurt shouldn't have died at 25. He should have died when he was old. That's when people were supposed to die. People weren't supposed to die before they had lived their lives.

And it shouldn't have said _Loving boyfriend. _It should have said _Loving Husband._ He and Kurt were supposed to get married. They were supposed to grow old with each other. "In sickness and in health, till death do us part". That's how it should have been. _But_, Blaine thought bitterly, _Death had already torn them apart. Kurt was dead and he was never going to come back, ever._

"Kurt I really miss you. I know I say that every time, but it's true. I haven't been doing too well lately, well ever since you died I guess. I know you told me to be strong but…" Blaine's eyes started to tear up. He blinked them and hot tears flowed down his face. He was so lost without Kurt. He wished that Kurt could hold him and tell him that everything was going to be okay. "I, um… I can't take much more of this Kurt. I don't think I can do this anymore. I can't handle being apart from you. I need you to be here. Life without you is just too hard. I just want to hold you again Kurt." Blaine let lose a sob.

"I just want you in my arms again. I want to hear your voice. I want you back Kurt. I need you back! Please Kurt, I can't do this anymore! Come back!" He sobbed and dropped to his knees. Sobs racked through his entire body. He just wanted Kurt back. The pain was agonizing. His heart hadn't stopped aching since the moment he had held Kurt's cold lifeless hand one year ago today.

Blaine sat there on his knees just simply crying for a long time. He didn't know how long it had been when he finally stopped. He slowly got up and wiped his red swollen eyes. "Kurt, I'm done living like this. I know you told me to be strong, but I can't. I'm not as strong as you are." And after one last look at Kurt's headstone he left.

Blaine walked through the streets of Manhattan with wet eyes, shivering. He actually felt better than he had in a long time. He had finally figured out what to do to relieve all his pain. He walked into his apartment and took off his coat. He went into the kitchen and opened up the cupboard above the stove, taking out a bottle of vodka and a shot glass. Blaine went into to the bathroom with the bottle and glass in hand and opened the medicine cabinet. He took out a bottle of Aspirin and shut the cabinet.

He looked in the mirror one last time. His face was pale and he had a beard. His eyes were puffy, red, and tired. So so tired. Tired of all the hurt and pain. Tired of this useless life. Without Kurt that's what life was, useless.

Blaine went into his bedroom and shut the door. He took shots of the vodka until his head felt fuzzy. He then took 15 Aspirin, 5 at a time, washed down with shots of vodka. He laid down in his bed and snuggled under the warm blankets. He smiled because he was finally going to be free. Free from that horrible aching feeling he'd had since Kurt's death.

"I tried to be strong, Kurt, I really did. But it's okay because I'm going to be with you now. If heaven is real, I'll see you there. If not, well then at least I won't have to live without you." Blaine started to sing softly.

_Blackbird singing in the dead of night_

_Take these broken wings and learn to fly_

_All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise…_

He slowly drifted into a peaceful, quiet sleep.


End file.
